The War of My Mind

It was not the right time,
Nor was it the right place.
We need to grow.
We need to learn how to communicate.

Something is holding me close to you.
An anchor on my heart keeps me from moving forward.
Words from a promise I once spoke,
“I will never leave you behind.”

A struggle between my heart and my mind.
Do I stay, or do I go?
I wonder if there will come a day
When we can be together again.

“Maybe one day I will want more.”
The words you spoke.
I know I deserve more than this,
But I love you.

Why does a ring determine one’s devotion?
Why does a silly ceremony determine unconditional commitment?
There was a ring of sorts.
I made a vow of devotion to a woman I loved.

Do I stay or do I go?
Either way I must continue to live.
Assumptions, mistakes made and points of frustration.
It was not a falling out of love.

The issues were workable.
The romance was just dormant.
I wanted to go out as well.
I wanted to bring back the life to our love.

I had limitations and a hard time.
There was only so much I could do.
I wanted to dance the world with you.

Movies,
Swing,
A night on the town,
A day at the beach,
Maybe a trip to another town.

As for the other,
It was not needed.
I wanted to just walk with you
At whatever pace you wanted.
As long as I could walk near you,
I would have been content.

I may not be a good dancer,
But I was willing to watch
Or even join in.
If I made a fool of myself
I would have been yours.
A proud fool I would have been.

There was so much I wanted to share,
So much I wanted to discuss.
If I was quite,
It was because I had everything on my mind.

I think to much,
I did not want you to get scared away.
I quieted down the thoughts in my head.
So many questions and discussions we could have had.
I was trying to make you happy, so I stopped being who I am.

The irony is,
If I had been me,
You would have stayed.

Myself was the person you were first attracted too.
Why I changed will never be fully understood,
But I wish we had another shot at what we had.
Slowing down, and just enjoying each other’s company again.
I miss my friend.
I miss my girl.
I miss what we had before the “other” came into the picture
Ruining everything we had planned.

We were good before that time.
We went to fast,
And now you have left me behind.

My mind is at war.
I told you I would be your Shilloh.
Through think and thin,
For better or worst.

How am I better than the others if I walk away?
I just want to sweep you off your feet
The way I did way back when.

The nature trail,
Our clearing.
I miss what we had,
And I think we could have it again.

Maybe one day you will see me for who I really am
And not the one you assume me to be.
In the mean while I am trapped in this war of my mind.

Do I walk away totally from the woman I love?
Why does a ring make it ok to stay devoted even when the other is gone?
Why does a ring decide devotion till the end?
It’s a confusing war of questions,
There are no answers.

I just want you to let me love you again,
I just want you to look at me with that look of love
That look of happiness,
That look of never letting go.

I just want to be happy again.
Happy with you,
Happy with me,
But the world tells me
You will never come back to me.

Why is it so hard to let you go?
This war of questions is beginning to take its toll.